How to avoid being murdered

Murder most foul. Murder Ahoy. Murder she wrote. Murder most fun I say!

In reality murder is a saddening horror however in literature and film, with a dash of humour and charm, it’s delightfully addictive.

From a young age I learnt the joy of watching a good murder mystery. Miss Marple played by Margaret Rutherford frightened me so immensely I couldn’t sleep at night but I always wanted to watch more.

We would listen to Agatha Christie and Dorothy L Sayers on 6 hours journeys down to the Snow. Naturally I’ve always been a big fan of ‘Midsummer Murders’. Murders are better when they are British; the Americans take it all too seriously.

Tonight my husband and I – dressed as a country parson and fortune teller – are off to a “How to host a murder” dinner party. Hopefully I can pick the murderer from amongst my friends and avoid any arsenic and old lace.

How to avoid being murdered

1. You hear a strange noise. Someone is creeping up to the door. Your heart is thudding and you open it. With a sign of relief you see someone very familiar. “It’s only you” is the last thing you say. A knife, bullet, pitchfork, brick or heavy statue is coming right at you.My advice is if in doubt never answer the door.

2. Be suspicious of anyone who mumbles, is very polite, vague, kind and unassuming. Underneath this facade they are a crazy murderer!

3. Stay away from eccentric groups of people. It’s best to avoid cruises, overnight train journeys, funerals and family reunions.

4. Are you a rich, cantankerous, arrogant, middle-aged man? It’s likely you will soon have a knife in your back.

5. Are you a beautiful, spoilt actress? Your days are also numbered. It will be a delicate death so your body can be found with your beauty intact.

6. If someone is wearing leather gloves, carrying a knife, and creeping around your house, you can probably trust them – they are not a killer.

7. If you see something suspicious please tell the police. Don’t tell your aunty on the a phone in a public place where you can be overheard.

8. If you are attractive, curious and intelligent you should be safe. Especially if you befriend the detective.

And lastly…

6. If you stumble onto a picturesque English village run for your life!

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Liz McAuley
    Mar 10, 2013 @ 00:20:37

    10. You will most likely be murdered on a dark and storm night, when the power has been cut off…

    Reply

  2. Adrian
    Mar 28, 2013 @ 11:33:18

    Love this post! Clare I highly recommend Foyle’s war. It’s more of a straight laced murder mystery – not of the weird Poirot quirkiness but with great acting and great costumes.

    As for tips to ensure you don’t get caught by police… Avoid family and friend conferences organised by seemingly innocent yet curious little old ladies or French-sounding Belgians with awesome moustaches.

    Reply

    • Clare Horsfall
      Mar 29, 2013 @ 02:05:19

      Adrian you are so right! I can’t believe I forgot Foyles War. Foyle is an absolute classic. I love his understated, twitching style of acting.

      AS to family conferences you mention – they are risky for the murderer. But I think they would be fun to attend.

      Reply

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